The Grayed State of Texas

You’ve seen the marketing campaigns boasting: ‘Everything is bigger in Texas.’ Too bad this now includes a new environmentally detrimental claim to fame according to a recent AP story.

Texas is the biggest, baddest state - environmentally speaking - with the highest level of carbon emissions in the U.S. thanks to a combination of culprits such as coal-burning power plants, oil and gas refineries, post-BBQ flatulence, and excessive, unnecessary vehicle emissions spewed forth by the preferred vehicle of Texas: big, gas-guzzling trucks. Whether or not they have anything to haul, Texans LOVE their pickup trucks or some other ridiculously huge vehicle with passenger capacity of 8 but usually only ever transporting ONE human being from point A to B with cargo that would easily fit in a Toyota Matrix and not even with the seat down! YEEHAW!

Admittedly, the oil industry annoys me to the core but they’re tough to wrangle. While most carbon emissions can be blamed on our beloved friends in the oil industry – another of our favorites here at WTF – these oblivious or selfish(pick one) twanging Texan toucans can make a difference but won’t because of the mentality prevalent in Texas. Trucks are the way of life there and for fak’s sake, there is no other way of life but the Texas way of life; therefore how dare we ask them to change it?

Because of this not-so-conspicuous consumption, Texas kicks out nearly as much carbon emissions as that of a small nation. That is fakin pathetic and inexcusable. Americans in general are very guilty with driving when they could walk and driving much larger vehicles than actually necessary to suit their transportation needs but Texans, in particular, take the cake. I’ve traveled extensively around the U.S. and have NEVER seen as many fakin pickup trucks and large SUVS as I did when I traveled straight across Texas – all 700+ miserable miles of it. According to quotes in the AP article, many of these drivers openly admit they don’t need the big truck; they just like it because they’re a Texan and they’re going to drive it because that’s what Texans do. Stupid fakers!

I’m sure though all of these trucks make for a lovely stimulating backdrop when our pal W hosts his Saudi sweetie Abdullah at the Crawford Ranch for whatever those 2 kids do when they get together. Surely, His Royal Oiliness gets quite the hard-on from trips to Texas – nothing more arousing than gazing out upon the vast Texan sea of Ford F-150s when you’re the guy in charge of the country swimming in oil. Last week while hanging with the head Saudi fak at his palatial crib while most Saudi citizens eek by in squalor, concerned US President W broke from sword dancing arm-in-arm with Abdullah to make a plea to OPEC to increase production because those pickups get mighty thirsty and those Texans ain’t got no plans on trading them in for hybrids or subcompacts anytime soon. That is for dang sure as W would say!

Texas truly is an amazing place. Take perfectly logical, intelligent people from anywhere else in the U.S. and relocate them to Texas. What happens next will blow your mind unless you’ve been through this before. Even so, you’re never quite ready for what is about to happen.