Babysitting Blackwater

Is it April Fools’ Day or something? Is this story about Condi Rice issuing new rules for Blackwater supposed to be nearly as funny as it seems or did I brew my coffee too strongly this morning? The US State Department will more closely monitor Blackwater USA to make sure they behave. We can't have them running around killing people for no reason or at least without a good excuse. The global community frowns upon such things and we're already the kid no one else wants to play with.

We can't simply fire Blackwater for misconduct because bye bye big contracts means bye bye big campaign contributions and we sure as fak don't want to do that. How do you think Blackwater is the chosen thug of the Iraq fiasco? So what else could the State Dept do but hire babysitters to show they care? Will we confirm that they brush their teeth before bed, eat their vegetables, and do their homework too? Ah, hilarious. Seriously I don’t laugh much but this has me laughing out loud. It’s about as funny as the White House investigating itself to prove it’s not guilty of violating the constitution. Don't worry; we'll look into it and find the evil-doers.

That's easy W: got a mirror? Video cameras will be mounted in Blackwater vehicles to monitor actions. What? Like nanny cams? Communications will be recorded so if the s*** hits the fan, officials can accurately report what transpired. Does that come before or after the recorded data is ‘reviewed for sensitive information before being released to the public’? If English is your native language, that’s read: ‘time taken to edit and fix the recordings to show we were not in the wrong.’ Ever read a book with lines blacked out? I’ll bet more often than not, it’s not simply crossed off for being sensitive in the way you’d think but rather to hide someone’s ‘fak-up.’ Federal agents will escort the Blackwater contractors paid to securely escort diplomats. Isn’t that like hiring a babysitter to babysit your babysitter?

In this case, it's like hiring a crack-addicted babysitter sprung from a juvenile detention facility for arson to babysit a serial killer who's really a nice guy as long as he doesn't stop taking his meds. What the FAK? So let’s see – how much more tax money will be wasted to add staff to watch Blackwater’s staff? This’ll give W another reason to ask for more war funding. Those damn babysitting fee increases! Is it just me or wouldn’t it have been more cost effective for the US military to do the jobs the government’s already dearly overpaying Blackwater to do and fakup(or are they?) that’ll now cost even more money because they have to appear to be watching Blackwater so they’re not criticized for not caring how Blackwater is operating. Meanwhile, they really don’t care but cannot say that along with many other admissions(secret torture facilities) we’ll probably discover years from now when W’s back to raking brush on his ranch(finally a job he’s fit to do).

So what if the federal agents watching them probably can’t be trusted to tell the truth either. Shall we hire someone to watch them too? Just make sure it’s someone who can do and say what they're told without questioning anything: that attribute absolutely essential.