When the Easter bunny and Cadbury eggs simply aren't enough

Beware this Easter: Crucifixion could be hazardous to your
health.

I’m all for the Easter bunny and Easter egg hunt for the
kids but some seem to feel it more festive to hang from the cross just like
their hero Jesus allegedly did many eons ago. Firstly, the whole Jesus story is
questionable in itself. Personally I find the story hard to buy and if you
watch films like The God Who Wasn’t There, there is a long list of things that
don’t add up and poke enough holes in what I deem the best fictional story of all time, the Jesus fable, to make it look like Swiss cheese or Boris Yeltsin's liver.

Even if you disagree with my position and you choose to deny
logic and buy the Jesus tale and insist upon believing in fairy tales, why not
just attend church, sing some funny songs, buy a few Easter lilies, chow down
on your basket of chocolates left by a generous bunny, color some eggs with the
kids, bake a big ham and be done with it? Why the fak would you even consider being
nailed to a cross? Do these whacks think they’ll be upgraded to the posh side
of heaven if they voluntarily endure a degree of pain usually disbursed by the
likes of guys like Donald Rumsfeld? I just don’t get it.

It seems this is quite the annual Easter event in the Philippines as per a recent BBC story.
Maybe they don’t have Cadbury eggs there or those pastel colored Hershey’s
candy assortments or marshmallow peeps. This apparently is what happens if you
live in a society without those sugary marshmallow peeps because the Philippines isn't the only place where this insanity occurs, and I'll bet if you checked, everywhere else it happens also does NOT have ample Easter candy assortments. If you have Easter baskets to fill, odds are you will not have time to crucify yourself rather than for the extra weight you may have gained over the holiday from hitting the kids' Easter baskets more often than you should have.

But, in the Philippines, no Easter egg hunts to mark the season hence the fascination with crucifixion. So the Filipino government has stepped up and
voiced some health advisory tips on crucifixion for those fanatical types dead
set on taking part in the Christian extreme sport of crucifixion. Ah how nice
to have the government looking out for its citizens.

Interestingly enough, this
is the same government that doesn’t give a fak about citizens’ health when it
comes to sexual issues such as AIDS prevention because it takes a strong
anti-contraception stance – in the name of religion of course – and makes condoms
nearly impossible to get even to prevent the spread of disease in the sex
trade. The Filipino government also refuses to accept abortion as an option
should the mother’s life be at risk to continue a pregnancy. Remember, it has
its citizens' best health interests in mind as long as you’re a good Catholic
citizen and don't need an abortion or a condom or birth-control pills.

For example, if you’re going to hang from the cross in the
name of Christianity, the Filipino government does care enough to take the time
to issue some health warnings to prevent infection or death. How fucking
bizarre!

Everyone knows a good crucifixion re-enactment begins with
some self-inflicted ass-kicking. That’s right: every good Christian’s favorite
S&M activity: self-flagellation. Actually Islamic fundamentalists big fans
of this as well and a good example of traits shared between warring religions
despite their insistence that it’s all so different.