From Which Universe Is She?

No one could accuse Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza, of failing to fulfill her duties as Miss Universe if she had been tasked with representing universal stupidity. Mendoza shocked the public with her gushingly complimentary review of her visit to the US prison camp at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, a camp now synonymously defined by its reputation for harsh treatment (ie torture) inflicted upon those unlawfully detained as suspected terrorists.

The Venezuelan dumpling, though, categorized Gitmo as ‘SOOOOOO beautiful' in her original blog entry about her visit. Too bad site designers didn't have the foresight to install a Gmail-like feature - something like an 'unstupid' guard that delayed publishing anything the airbrain wrote without supervision of someone with an IQ higher than that of a peanut. The blog's been amended since to explain she was merely commenting on the hospitality US soldiers extended to her. What else would a hot chick expect from a group of guys stuck in that sort of environment? She was the oasis in the middle of the desert for fak's sake. If you browse a few of her original comments preserved through stories by various news organizations, you'd swear she had to be confusing it with a posh seaside resort rather than the hellhole torture chamber complex it is. Calling it ‘a calm and beautiful place,' Miss Twitaverse said she didn't want to leave such a ‘relaxing place' after her visit to boost morale of US troops and tour of the facilities. For some reason, I get the feeling she didn't exactly get the reality tour unless she's one twisted bitch. Of course, at the end, she took home a necklace as a souvenir whereas other contestants will go home (if they ever go home) with parting gifts including: a palette of scars from the deep-tissue massage administered tenderly by the well-trained staff and a lifetime subscription to the Nightmare Network.

But I can identify her sadness upon departure. We've all had fantastic holidays and grumped our way back to the airport fighting the reality that faced us at home: jobs, bills, kids. However, as Miss Universe, surely her travel agents can pull some strings and book her a deluxe cell before Obama closes ‘Paradise by the Bay.' This time, though, she should insist upon being treated like a ‘regular prisoner' rather than as a celebrity since as we all know mixing with the natives on our trips so much more enriching in a cultural sense. No special treatment for this pretty thing! Lovely Dayana needs a good dose of reality and then let's see how many smileys appear in her post-trip blog! So book another stay; however, Sweet Pea, leave the curling iron at home along with your glam wardrobe and forget closet space. But don't worry: you won't need it. They'll have everything you need on site at the ‘resort.' By the way, how do you look in an orange jumpsuit?

Maybe this time, she can upgrade her travel package and indulge in some of the facility's multiple amenities cited in International Committee of the Red Cross' report. Yes, Dayana, as a VIP(very ignorant prisoner), during your relaxing, peaceful stay in Guantanamo, the US military would be happy to offer you at least 3 a la carte services from the following: waterboarding, beatings, sleep deprivation, prolonged stress standing, prolonged nudity, confinement in a box, denial of solid food(which she's probably already used to as a former model). We know you think waterboarding's all the rage BUT let us tell you, you have NOT lived until you've been confined in a box. Trust us - HEAVEN!

But, PLEASE take full advantage of ALL resort amenities. We do offer package deals especially for a special pretty little thing like you. Maybe take in a little waterboarding (which I'm sure she thinks to be a Cuban form of surfing). Wait until she sees what it does to her hair and makeup. Come to think of it, though, she would be at an advantage over her fellow guests. While waterboarding creates the sensation of drowning, she can rest assured she won't as she can certainly depend on the buoyancy of her empty fakin' head to keep her afloat. Wouldn't sky-diving be so much more comforting if you were absolutely guaranteed you'd land safely? See the difference?

She may be so impressed that she can take photos to share with all of her model friends and soon you'll have to book years in advance for that cell with a view and to get the torturer of your choice because you know there's always that one that's REALLY good at what they do and you won't even consider letting anyone else kick your ass after Billy Bob, the ex-Marine, from the backwoods of Tennessee has kicked your ass and whipped you with a cord. Why close it, President Obama? Who knows: maybe Gitmo will soon become the new hotspot for Hollywood A-listers - the Cuban Riviera if you will. The US government can charge exorbitant rates per night and that's how you can pump some money back into this fledgling economy.

Ok, yeah, maybe I'm being a little hard on the dipshit. I can see how one can live in the dark and have absolutely NO idea about this place because it's been kept so hush-hush over the recent years (laughing to myself as I type that). I blame the media for the lack of coverage and its failure to bring to light what actually happened/happens there. I often forget how lucky I am to have access to such a highly classified information system (eyes, ears, functioning brain). That VIP membership at Blockbuster Video too came in handy because otherwise, I'd never have been able to watch the assorted documentaries flooding video stores over the past few years - YEARS, not days or months. I can understand if she mistook this for a baseball training camp rather than a prison camp because those stockade pens easily confused with batting cages except the boys at Gitmo do batting a little bit differently than those in Major League Baseball. When Gitmo boys aim for the balls, there ain't no protective cup to soften the blow.

Maybe she's right and it is a nice place with the art and films offered as recreation to the occupants. That view alone makes everything seem like a dream world, right? I mean, if you can just get past the sleep deprivation, being subjected to extreme temperatures, prolonged standing and stress positions (which Miss Universe probably thought to be cool new yoga positions) and being beaten regularly, I can see how you'd envy it. They even have adorable cuddly German Shepherds that wowed her with their ‘very nice demonstration of their skills.' Sit, stay, decapitate. Why do I think they probably left that last part out for this tour?

Well maybe Miss Universe 2008 - you stupid bitch - can score a contract endorsing waterproof mascara for Maybelline and offer absolute proof it won't run in even the toughest conditions. All I know is that she'd better hope her beauty stays with her for a long time to come because there's surely no brain in that head as backup. Not only was she outright stupid for saying what she said but she probably successfully pissed off Venezuelan teddy bear Hugo Chavez who's not going to be too happy about his girl fraternizing with US soldiers.

In all fairness to her highness though, she's probably a whiz at picking out exactly which shoes goes with which dress and can turn a day face into that of a nighttime vixen with a few simple sweeps of an eyeliner but really this is a case where one should stick to what one knows and leave the commentary on a place like Guantanamo Bay to those of us that have actually been paying attention with our brains engaged. If we need to know something about Revlon's springtime colors, don't worry Dayana - you'll be the first we call. Otherwise, please shut the fak up.